A while ago we decided to change rants to a weekend thing. With perfect timing, the Valve’s latest changes to our game spawns reactions of all kinds. Here’s the latest rant (unsigned):

Updates updates and more useless updates!

So this morning, I turn on my computer and see that there’s a new TF2 update. But I’m really non-plussed about any updates nowadays. There was a time when I would frantically find out what was happening but not any more. Updates to me (and to most of you) are just ‘meh’. Looking at the update list, there’s all sorts of crap that Valve have added that we don’t need, especially since they haven’t been explained:

  • Added ‘The Medi-eval Medic’, ‘The Hibernating Bear’, and ‘The Expert’s Ordnance’ item sets.
  • Added new weapons: ‘The Claidheamohmor’, ‘The Back Scratcher’, ‘The Boston Basher’, ‘The Fists of Steel’, ‘The Amputator’, ‘The Crusader’s Crossbow’, ‘The Ullapool Caber’, ‘The Loch-n-Load’, ‘The Buffalo Steak Sandvich’, ‘The Brass Beast’, ‘The Warrior’s Spirit’, ‘The Candy Cane’, and ‘The Jag’.

But what the hell are these things? Should we care? Do they only work in the new ‘Medieval Mode’? The only thing that’s certain, unfortunately, is that these weapons and sets, along with the

Added 20 new hats,

is that they will (as usual) decrease your fps, and increase your frustration at anything pub – now theres a new wave of SELLING VINTAGE WEPS FOR WINTER CRATES and BUYING BUFFALO STEAK SANDVICH.

So now I’m going to tell you all about these new fancy things, so you dont have to find out. (Hooray!). And because I’m lazy, I’m just go0ing to copy and paste stuff (oh..)

The Medieval Medic
Crusader’s Crossbow Amputator
Effect +1 health regenerated per second on wearer.
  • Primary – Crusader’s Crossbow: Fires special bolts that heal teammates and deal damage based on distance traveled  [The further away the target is, the more damage done (to enemies) and the more health healed (to friends), up to a max of 150 healing and 75 damage] Crafting: 2 Reclaimed metals + Huntsman
  • Melee – Amputator: On taunt: heals all nearby teammates [+75 hp for all nearby] Crafting: 2 Reclaimed metals + Vita-saw
The Hibernating Bear
Brass Beast Buffalo Steak Sandvich Warrior’s Spirit
Effect +5% critical hit damage resistance on wearer
  • Primary – The Brass Beast: +20% Damage done, 50% slower spin up time, -60% slower movement speed while deployed. Crafting: 2 Reclaimed metals + Natascha
  • Secondary – The Buffalo Steak Sandvich: While under the effects, move speed is increased, damage done and taken will be Mini-Crits, and the player may only use melee weapons [You can still drop it to get the 150 hp heal] Crafting: Crit-a-cola + Sandvich
  • Melee – The Warrior’s Spirit: +30% damage done, -20 max health on wearer Crafting: 2 Reclaimed metal + GRU
The Expert’s Ordinance
Loch-n-Load Ullapool Caber
Effect +10% fire damage resistance on wearer
  • Primary – The Loch-N-Load: +10% damage done, +25% projectile speed, -60% clip size, launched bombs shatter on surfaces, +25% damage to self  [Yes, that's right, it changes the speed and damage, but only has 2 shots and no rollers.] Crafting: 2 Reclaimed Metals + Scottish Resistance
  • Melee – The Ullapool Caber: No random Critical hits [It also, once per life, allows you to hit an enemy or solid object, and get boosted straight up - so its kinda useless] Crafting: 2 Reclaimed metals + Sandman
Claidheamohmor – Demoman Melee
0.5 sec increase in charge duration
No random critical hits
-15 max health on wearer
[Also stats don't increase with decapitations]
Jag – Engineer Melee
30% faster construction rate
-25% damage done
Fists of Steel – Heavy Melee
-60% damage from ranged sources while active
+100% damage from melee sources while active
[An alternative to the GRU I guess]
Back Scratcher – Pyro Melee
+25% damage done
-75% health from healers on wearer
+50% health from packs on wearer
[For independant flanking pyros. Can't see it being better than the axtinguisher however]
Boston Basher – Scout melee
On Hit: Bleed for 5 seconds.
On Miss: Hit yourself. Idiot
[apparently impossible to be found at this point]
Candy Cane – Scout melee
On kill: A small health pack is dropped.
25% explosive damage vulnerability on wearer.
[Health packs also drop from assists]

Are there any silver linings to this? Maybe.

  • ‘Natascha’ changes:
    • Spin-up time increased.
    • Slowdown-on-hit effect is reduced over distance.

So Natascha has finally been nerfed. However, Natascha is still Natascha – it’s a bit like the Sandman. It doesn’t matter how much they’ve nerfed the slowdown, it’s still….slowdown.

Every time one of these updates comes out, I feel a little more like quitting TF2. Because now I have to find out about all of these things, and it’s really frustrating.

Rawr Valve, Rawr.